I just heard from one of my closest friends that his grammy (grandmother) passed away, he adores her a lot and misses her too. Seeing him go through that pain made me unearth the pain I had buried inside me a long time ago. I had lost a person I loved dearly in a road accident and felt that I could never move on but with the support of my loved ones I moved on and kept walking.
Why is it that we fail to accept Death in it’s entire glory? We celebrate the birth of children but curse the deaths, this post is not to remind us about the loss connected to death but to cherish the love gained through the loss. Because it is only after we have lost something do we realize that it was valuable, but even if we never understood that what we lost was a diamond, the diamond knew that it was a diamond. When D left me, I was holding him begging him to keep fighting but I guess I knew he had left me. Till date I cannot accept that he was gone before he was given a chance to fight, that I could not tell him about many things that I wanted to tell him, that I could not sing the song he asked me to sing for him, curse him for not listening to me, curse him for not letting me go on my own but then curse him again for leaving me alone in darkness for a long time. It seemed like the world had crashed all the way around me.
When my friend told me that his grammy passed away, i saw myself in him. Regretting not meeting her, regretting not calling her, regretting at not being more loving, regretting at not being able to visit her when she was sick & mainly not being able to say that he loved her and cared for her. Though me and D spent the day he died talking, i knew that I wanted to say a lot, sing a lot, love him a lot but all the plans I made were kept aside because he had to leave. So here I sit with tears in my eyes and cheeks wet with the salty rivers refusing to stop their flow hoping that my friend does not go through what I went through for he is a very delicate soul though he is strong. Why am I crying? though I did not know grammy I have lost my grammy & grandpy so I can understand the pain that a grandchild feels.
My only word to who ever reads this, do not deny the loss, do not stay in that sadness because your loved one does not want you miserable even if you guys did not have a very happy relationship, it is ok to move on, cherish the good moments & throw out of the window those regrets, love them if you hated them before, love them even more if you loved them. It took me 3 years to accept that D left and that I should not regret not being able to talk to him, my only fear was that he did not know how much I love him but on one dark evening I remembered a statement he made to me which made me realize that he knew how much I love him and care for him.
No matter how much the depression due to death pulls you into the darkness, hold onto your loved one, ask them to help you move on and trust me they will help you no matter what. There will be times when everything you watch, feel, hear and sense is connected to death but never let go off your loved one. Hold onto them as tight as you can but do not ask them to carry you for you need to walk on without them and they will have to walk on without you. So here I sit watching ghosts sing songs, corpses talking about their pain and dying leaders try to hold onto their reins reminiscent of all the things I did my D falling deeper and deeper in the darkness when out of nowhere I hear my child’s call… I look at her with no strength longing for pity but she simply ignores my negative vibrations and licks my face with her thorny tongue, she keeps her paws on my heart as if knowing that it is heart and not my ego hurting. Crying is a nature’s way to “cleanse” us of negativity be it physical or emotional so one should never hold back the tears except when one needs to be strong…
A thing I hate about people and their intepretation of death is the need to “mourn” for a person why being sombre and making the dead one an angel of some sort.. When I heard that an old classmate died I was horrified to hear that her parents had hung a really ugly (unsmiling and looking pathetic) black and white picture of her to emphasize at their loss but the girl was an incredibly colorful and bright smiling girl… But the parents felt that the pic suited the people’s moods so I guess I can understand but still….
So here is to a grammy with love, warmth and color, may she rest in peace *kisses grammy on the cheek and offers a prayer
Clap