And humans love to bitch… Who does not? Everyone likes to tallk about each other normally in the negative light to feel good about ourself or like in my case I like bitching because I want to keep myself occupied when I am cranky and bitching helps me understand life better (lol). Generally I am a big follower of Thumper’s dad (Bambi) to quote “IF you cannot say something nice, then don’t say anything at all” which I make sure to follow all the time but when I get cranky I can bitch for hours whether I have an audience or not.

I do not enjoy bitching so I refrain from it because in the end you are not doing anything productive when you bitch. BUT there are some things in life especially certain people whom you would like to personally bludgeon with a keyboard but due to financial and secuirty issues you cannot therefore you choose the lazy man’s way and that is to gripe away to glory. I personally bitch about stupid people, more stupid people and sometimes the situation I am stuck in. I can either be hilarious or just plain illogical when I start ranting, how do I know this? well whenever I rant I usually have an audience so their reactions tell me whether I am ranting good or rotten, i know for a fact that my family & friends have learned to shut their ears when I am ranting about decayed matter.

When they dread my cranky mood, the scene resembles that of Godzilla where people are fleeing as fast as they can away from the monster but instead of a 40-60 feet tall monster they are seen fleeing from a 5″3 feet tall midget. When you see people running away from you or dropping dead in front of you I think that is a sign enough that you should stop bitching right then and there.

Now if you excuse me, i need to bitch to some one about how I botched this post or maybe I might edit it some day. Till then happy bitching

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Anonymous(3)

On the other hand, stupid people seem to be the only ones being elected to important positions. Our brilliantly retarded Union Health Minister Ghulam Nabi Azad ever so cheekily suggested that rural areas be provided electricity not for the sake of progress but for the sake of “BIRTH CONTROL”. He thinks that if couples married late and watched T.V late into the night they would not have the urge to have babies. After making the comment and having every one from me to health experts bash his sorry ass he says that the comment was to be taken lightly. Okay smartass next time you want to make a comment like that go say it to a wall or in a party where no one cares or will bother thinking about it. And I am assuming that this dude hardly watches any T.V if he feels that babies are curbed by it, let me assure you Mr Minister that the crap that is aired on our T.V nowadays is capable of getting anyone lusty/sentimental and knowing that the rural areas have no knowledge of “contraceptives” … Whoops your plan just backfired, there are going to be plenty of accidental pregnancies, families wanting huge families because every baby will be “wonderful” and will grow to be a “rich industrialist”. Not to mention the wastage of electricity and lesser productivity.

And Qasab is still stalling for time asking for CDs that would simply lie on his floor, i sometimes wonder why we do not have a couple of dobermans latching onto his bottom. That would get the jackass talking but then again he is simply a pawn in a big Political warfare going on between the head honchos of the warring countries (I would like to believe that only 2 are engaged in war but living long enough tells me that there are plenty of countries in this single & silent war)

On the more hilarious side, i could not seem to keep my eyes off the Obama/Sarkozy butt watching. My darling is convinced that Obama was looking at the girl’s booty but I choose to believe otherwise. But we unanimously agreed that Sarkozy is a perv for he was looking oh so eagerly at the chick’s rear end, but heck for all we know he too was “concerned” about the woman Obama was helping. Why don’t you tell me whether he is a perv or not.

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Anonymous

I sat there watching one moron after another “standing by” Michael’s side, chastising the people for being too judgmental, talking about how Michael was always a cheerful boy(yet they sung the most depressing songs). I was trying to keep myself distracted by playing game after game of Free cell while watching the memorial which reminded me of a campaign where politicians tried showing every one that they “cared” the most about the people (Bullshit!!!). But then I heard Brooke Shields and that’s when it hit me that Michael was finally gone (A very scary resemblance to how D’s loss hit me when I saw his mother crying). I guess I was fine until I saw how her tribute hit my guy too, i was beginning to fight that losing battle against my emotions. Usher’s performance was sappy but seeing him perform through pain was something I was trying hard to handle. The thing that really boiled my blood was a politician talking about the “American life” , how the cabinet “had a moment of silence”, holding out a stupid certificate marking him a “legend” and basically how she & her cronies cared for him and did not think him guilty (LOL). Queen Latifah’s tribute was sincere, sweet and to the point while Martin Luther King ‘s descendants were beyond political and not to mention annoying plus stupid (their “tributes” sounded too rehearsed). I liked one dude but can’t recall his name, being  a fan it felt nice to hear about all the good times shared by Jackson’s friends but it was disappointing to know that many people present  in that entire room did not help Michael in his time of need.

The most commercial part of the evening was probably the kid who was originally slated to perform with MJ in London performing for his memorial. But the truly tear jerker was Paris Jackson (Michael’s 11 year old daughter). The words she spoke on that stage was the best tribute her father could receive from anything in this entire world, she not only told us about her love for her father but she stood there defending him. To me her tribute was the best one. Which brought me to a sad realization that the media and all the people in that room were the most irresponsible because they did not realize that all the crap they were flinging about was undoubtedly splashing on those kids. To me, all the awards, “I love you” and ” you are innocent” were too late and too hypocritical for in the end we let the King Of Pop” die miserable, lonely and depressed. Hopefully some of the people in this world will now stop being judgmental, biased and mean to each other.

Many were heard saying that the memorial was going to be bigger than the memorial held for Princess Diana. Let me remind you guys that you are mourning without understanding the person, people bawled and sobbed over Lady Di’s death blaming the royal family but conveniently forgot that she was a pain in their ass too. Until Jacko died we isolated him for his dirty deeds (supposedly) but now remember nothing about his past but SUDDENLY remember him to be a musical genius much greater than Beethoven and Bach. Do we not have any other people to mourn about? Lots of people die due to our wastage, selfishness and greed… We care not for them but sob over a man who does not even care a rat’s ass about what we do for him.

To all those moronic fans who “love” their king and his work, if you truly love him you would love all your fellow humans for who they are.  According to me, Michael Jackson was not the King Of Pop nor did he “CREATE” a new genre or whatever, he simply brought his own style to an already existing genre. The reason he was so popular was because he was one of the best performers out there. I do not call Michael Jackson a king of anything but simply call him a fellow human being who was exactly like us from the start to the end, a being that needed love, trust, loyalty and help. To put it bluntly he was the Shylock in a twisted version of the Merchant of Venice

But thankfully we are all done with all the hype of Jackson’s death, he  & his family can finally rest in peace.

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die?”

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A good example would be the rise and fall of  Michael “The King of Pop” Jackson. Every one of us (Well, most of us ) had a ratty old stereo that belted out his hits to which we attempted the moonwalk, we commended him for doing his part for the environment and other social causes & poked fun at his bling fetish. Media cashed on his philanthropy and simultaneously cribbed about his spending nature. The true chaos began when he was charged for getting all funky with minors and exposing them to booze. Now the truth is known only by Michael and the victims (who earned plenty of fame and fortune) but the result was devastating for he was left without money, reputation and his beloved ranch, the media had a gala time bashing him around which reduced his popularity even further. His crazy lifestyle got him into trouble again and again (Baby dangling, burqa styled kids, plastic surgery etc). Every one could tell how his lifestyle was slowly rotting his very existence, we all saw how sickly he started looking and the skyscraper high debts he was facing. His every action got him scornful looks and no help, the man was fighting a losing battle. Then at the age of 50, the retirement age Wacko Jacko was “obligated” to do 50 concerts that would ultimately clear his debts. (Un)Fortunately that never happened!!

“R.I.P The King!!” “You will never be forgotten!!”, “The End of a Legend” screamed the headlines and random other social networking sites. I did not have any fuzzy feelings for these “mourners” for their “love” is far more cheaper than my favorite pair of socks. Out of the billions that infest this planet only a billion (hopefully) truly enjoyed and cherished Jackson. The crocodile tears shed by the ignorant morons reminds me of a saying in Kannada “goompinali govinda” (In a group that is involved in an activity say singing, there is always one retard who is simply mouthing the words or singing something totally wrong). Goomp meaning group and govinda being the village idiot… So in our huge goomp we always have a bunch of govindas dancing with their left feet, singing the wrong song or in this case being in the wrong situation all together. If only we were allowed to sue those millions of news/entertainment channels that are currently “mourning”, “remembering” or *shudders* paying their tributes.

Now that the person is dead, buried and is being mourned, you will see little mushrooms of filth pop out of nowhere…. These are the dead dude’s BEST FRIENDS!!! (OMFG Where were you guys before he died?). They annoy me because before the person died they had no personal interest in the d.d’s (dead dude) life but then suddenly they will take their toy drums and beat in every street they pass by about how d.d was their best friend and then start blaming every other person for the death. They actually have no clue about how the person was but swear to know his/her every secret. I will not speak much on this as it would set me on a tirade against a lot of people

I adored Michael Jackson from the start to the end but like many grew out of my “Billie Jean” phase. Now that he has moved on from this life to the next one, i hope he is not too famous and instead gets a much more peaceful life. Hope the milking and blame fest stops soon as it is unnecessary and pointless. You do not kill a man and then expect to be forgiven.

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1. Food: - The most common misconception people have about India is that they believe we eat nothing but spicy food, food that is too heavy or oily. The nature of the food mainly depends on where you stay.  I do agree that we have many overly spicy dishes that might make you ooze fluids from every opening in your body but leaving a few specific states spicy food is not too common here. India is a place where you can find food for any kind of a stomach, I have problems with acidity due to stress yet I do not compromise on my favorite dishes which include Pani Puri, bisibele baat, parathas and so on. There is not a single dish in India that does not taste awesome whether it is spicy or non spicy. And no we do not use curry for every dish we have..

2. Living: - Due to Slumdog Millionaire, people assume that Indians live in shacks and huts that are periodically razed down. But like our foreign compatriots we have certain areas in each town occupied by slum dwellers. Unlike popular belief we do have our share of beautiful bungalows, apartments, suburbs and villas.

3. Traffic & Ethics: - Only busy cities have horrid traffic. Yes, we do not follow the rules as stringently like our foreign friends but are improving on that. Many assume that because we were villagers ruled by Maharajas centuries ago, we still live & behave like barbarians. Not true….

4. Superstitions & Astrology: - This has to be the most common stereotype conjured up among foreigners, “Indians cannot live without superstitions and astrology”. It is true to a certain limit, the same way most of the world looks at the daily horoscope as a guidance, we too listen to the stars. But that does not mean that we cannot live without it. I do not believe in astrology but understand that our ancestors treated the stars as a science and not hocus pocus. Our ancestors believed that each element in nature emits energy and that energy affects our life either causing good or bad effects, so to reduce bad energy affecting us they researched a lot thus using math, stars, stones and so on to give us the positive energy wherever required. Just because a few people took that overboard does not mean that everyone does the same.

5. Punjabi Prison: - This one is dedicated to a person very close to me; he for some reason assumes that India has only one prison, The Punjabi Prison… Well my dear friend, there are much more prisons in India but I will say that Punjab’s prison has one of the most twisted criminals who would not mind man handling you just for the heck of it

6. Ceremonies: - Most foreigners think that our ceremonies are nothing but long winded mumbo jumbo and pointless. Others feel that we have nothing else to do than dole out money for ceremonies we *supposedly* don’t need. But every ceremony we have has a reason. In India we believe in celebrating and rejoicing every achievement for goodwill brings goodwill. And I see the logic in each and every ceremony that exists. Like the house warming ceremony, it is done to increase the positive vibes of the new home & soothe any spirits living with us. On “Ayudha pooja” we are grateful to all the machines we use (computers, cars, sewing machines etc) for helping us reach all our goals.
7. Language: – The funkiest assumption ever made is that we Indians cannot talk English, it is true that we have problems with pronunciations but that does not mean that we are unable to speak the language. In hopes of contradicting me, if you point at villagers and tell me (pseudo triumphantly) that they are unable to speak English. I would simply call you a loser . All that I can say is that our national language is not English so it is not *necessary* for us to know the language. But it is best if you learn your language before expecting us to know it (Yes… I know there are many foreigners who cannot speak English right)

8. Bollywood: - No, not all our movies involve us running around trees and canoodling behind bushes. It used to be but nowadays we do have quite a number of excellent movies. Screw Paheli!!! The only reason it ever gained fame was due to hype like most Hindi movies. Besides Hollywood has had its share of horridly lame movies. I would recommend watching shwaas(deep & dark) or matichya chuli (light & funny) which are in Marathi.

9. Marriage: - I will not comment on the arranged marriage bit because it happens everywhere even among foreigners and not just Indians. But the true reason why arranged marriages were a norm then was because kids were bound by duty to their parents, the fact that parents knew their kids best & chose a bride for the entire family instead of just the guy as the traditional Indian families were big. And NO we do not give away elephants as GIFTS/DOWRY. And yes that long tedious ceremony has got the most beautiful meaning just like the western man’s vows are beautiful.

10. Junk Food :- One of the funnier more paranoia inspired assumptions, this again is dedicated to my best friend who believes that “western” junk food does not taste the same as the one he gets there. Fine, i agree that you might not get the EXACT flavor of lays but I can assure you that the coke tastes the same.

There were much more points but I am lazy so it might be eons before I updated this post properly.. You can always help me by posting your comments

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Anonymous

This ad definitely surpasses its senior (the hair cream). The ad shows a “hot”(rolls eyes) chick in a car driving through a desert in a swanky car. She realizes that her car is running out of “fuel” (uh huh) so she drives into a gas station manned by a lone hunk (I have gone through plenty of gas stations and sadly never come across a hunk >_<). So our hawt chick is supposedly desperate to get laid and says some cheese about wanting some “fuel”…

I have no idea what the guy intepreted that as but he suddenly starts spraying himself with a deoderant (guh???)… And in response the bimbo sticks to him (wha????), then suddenly we are shown his shack where the entire window is stocked with the same deo… WTF

If only I could find that ad but if I do I will surely do so. The epic ad of desperate chicks and hunky gasboys in the middle of nowhere…

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